Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
