if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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