I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
