I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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