the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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