At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
