We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
