is your mom at the bar?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
