and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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