Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
