Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
