After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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