he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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