i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
