She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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