I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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