i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
