he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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