I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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