Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
