Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am one with the molecules
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
