hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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