my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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