Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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