He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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