I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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