I think I died a long time ago.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
