My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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