if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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