soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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