I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
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What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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