He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
