Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
