Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
