probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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