just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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