think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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