Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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