dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
