now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
