I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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