Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
