I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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