I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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