So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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