god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Randomize
