I CAN MOONWALK!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dear god my vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
