i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I love you.
Bad choice
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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