I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
