ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Pants are for mortals
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
