i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
