I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
