I think my vagina is haunted
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
