She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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