I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Boobs speak an international language.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
